Rainbow to Remember
by Inselschreiberin97
Summary: 5.14 AU The world is falling apart and someone has to hold it together. A newly human Castiel comes up with a plan to save everyone by saving Dean. But there is more to Dean than Cas had planned for, and everythig starts to fall apart again. hurt!Dean, depressed!Dean, human!Cas


I tried to do a little art for my fanfic, you can find it if you copy the link below. Sorry that it takes up so much room, it wouldn't function any other way.

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Rainbow-to-Remember-370610164

I hope you enjoy the story! :)

My name is Dean Winchester. I had a family once, but they're all dead now. Mom died first, then Dad, then my brother. Bobby was the last. He counted as family, even though we were not related. "Family don't end with blood, boy." I remember that. Crazy Cas would say "Well done, my fearless leader" if I told him that I remember. I'll tell him later. I think he likes to say it. He seems happier when he does.

It's important to keep everyone happy.

I have a new family now, even though I'm not sure if they are all _family _family. You don't have sex with family. I remember that, too.

We're "Camp Chitaqua". They think I am their leader. And I am. But I'm not. Castiel is. Crazy Cas, with his orgies and pills and drinks. He is the one holding it all together, by holding me together. I'm nothing but a shell these days, a walking and talking and eating and fucking and killing shell, but a shell nonetheless. Crazy Cas doesn't have to tell me that one, I know it myself. He didn't seem happy when I told him. I have to remember not to tell the "sad things".

I have a lot to remember. It's a dark word, _remember_, with all the dark green M's and the black R and the dark blue B. The E's are yellow, but it's a pale-yellow, not really there. Forgetting is easier. It's all bright with the white F and O and pale-pink I and it mixes really good with the pale-yellow E's, and the brown G's and black T's don't matter so much. They keep the word grounded. It's important to have dark letters, too, or else the word would fly away, like Crazy Cas used to when he was still "all mojo'ed up".

I'm not really sure when it started, the Forgetting and having to Remember, but I think it was even before Detroit. Maybe hell. I don't know anymore, though maybe I knew once. It's not important anyway, when it started, because now Crazy Cas helps me with it.

My hand is shaking. The left hand, not the one with the pen. I don't know if it's important, if I should tell Crazy Cas. I took a moment just now to write it on the second list: Shaking hand, left.

I should explain these things before I write them. Like the second list. Because someday someone who wasn't in our Camp will read this and that person should understand it. Other people than people from the Camp should know about us. People from the Camp don't know about the lists, it's important not to tell them. They would be scared. That is a "bad thing".

Today is a good day, it seems. I don't have to look at the first list all that often to remember the Things. There are three lists. The first is the things I _have_ to remember. I read it very many times so I wouldn't have to carry it around with me, just like Crazy Cas told me to. The lists are secret. Only Crazy Cas and I can look at them and I'm only allowed to write on the second and third list. Crazy Cas is the one to write on the first.

I notice that I'm not explaining like I wanted to do, not really. Too much rambling. I'll try to make it short. Crazy Cas wrote on the first list about explaining: The thing that you want to explain, then the definition, then an example.

I hope I'm doing it right. I believe I'm tired; maybe that's why I'm not very coherent. Tired is when I blink very often and open my mouth very wide and take in very much air. Or maybe I'm crying, that's when I blink very often and open my mouth very wide and try to take in air but there is this weird sound coming out of it. I confuse these two sometimes, being tired and crying, they're so alike. Maybe I'm crying and that's why my hand is shaking. I'll have to ask Crazy Cas about that, too. There are always so many things I have to ask, every day a bit more. That's because I'm "taking the easy way out", I'm becoming brighter, not darker. Forgetting, not remembering.

I'm suddenly feeling very bright, even though Crazy Cas said people can't "feel bright". He's people now too, so he knows things like this. When I'm feeling bright it's like forgetting and tired-or-crying and rambling at the same time. I don't know if I like it or not.

But I wanted to explain. Thing, definition, example. Right. About the lists.

First list: Things I have to remember, so I can be like I used to be before the Forgetting. It says "eating much" (there is not much to eat and I'm never really hungry, but I have to take opportunities when there is food that no one needs, said Crazy Cas, except "rabid food" because, apparently, I don't like it) and "having lots of sex" (Crazy Cas wrote "with women" behind that after I tried to have sex with him. I was very tired after he wrote that, but I couldn't sleep all night. It was very confusing. And I don't really like having sex with women anyway because they try to hit me when I have sex with other women. I think I understand it why they to it, though. I always want to hit the women from Crazy Cas' orgies too. I never do, though. I am only allowed to hit demon-women and croats-women.)

I hope that were enough examples. Crazy Cas says, too many examples are rambling and that's another thing that I'm not supposed to do. I only ramble while writing, though, so it should be okay. I don't really talk much. I didn't talk at all after mom died. I remember that.

Second list: Things I want to ask Crazy Cas about, like what my hand shaking means and if it's because I'm tired-or-crying. Or there is this idea really on top of the list, where everything else is crossed out except that line. I wrote that I wanted to take Crazy Cas to the moonlight spot, even though I don't know why. That's a really nice spot and I always feel like a little before Detroit when I'm there. It's this place in the woods, where I'm not supposed to go because it's outside the fence, but nobody ever comes there, not even the croats and I can lie on my back and look at the stars and I think I really like it because I keep going there. But when I try to ask Crazy Cas about it I always get really hot in the face and I can't open my mouth and when Crazy Cas sees that he always says that I shouldn't be thinking "kinky thoughts" when he is around and that I have to remember not to get "embarrassed" because I didn't use to do that, too. He never explains what he means with that and always sends me away and then he has an orgy and I really don't like any of that so I don't ask anymore.

My hand stopped shaking and I think I'm really tired right now, because the words are getting all blurred and jumbled and I've dropped the pen twice. But I don't want to stop writing. I had a really bad dream last night and I don't want to go to sleep. In the dream was this man and he had really long hair and he smiled wide like a river and then he said "Dean" and "I brought you pie" and I knew what pie was but I didn't knew the man and I got all tired in my dream except I was already sleeping and then I woke up and I was all alone and I wanted to tell Crazy Cas about the dream, because he could make it better (he always did), but he needed to sleep, too, and I didn't want to wake him and I believe I cried a bit right then.

So, I'm going to write the about the third list now and I'm not going to sleep because we were on a mission today, so I don't need to go to one tomorrow, and Crazy Cas said that I can "have a day off once in a while" and that means I can sleep a little longer sometimes, but just really, really sometimes so the else time I can still be the fearless leader.

But, third list. No rambling. Also, no rambling about not rambling.

This is so fucking exhausting, Jesus fuck it's like waking up in another world but I'm so fucking damn tired, god, fuck, I can't remember and Cas said it's a choice I made without knowing so I wouldn't fall apart but, fuck, sometimes it's like this and I feel like me again and I remember why I forgot, but not much else, because I'm fucking pathetic like this. And the stupid third list, I don't want to write about some fucking list, fuck, I don't want to write at all but I have to, so that when this fucking robot takes over again... You know, he has to read and see this stuff so he can be more fucking like me because I need to be me even if I don't want to, because they need their fucking fearless leader and FUCK YES DO YOU HEAR ME YOU SON OF A BITCH YES YES YES HOW MANY FREAKING TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU YES JUST COME DOWN HERE AND FUCKING SAVE THE WORLD YOU ASSHOLE I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU SO MUCH I CAN'T BREATHE OH FUCK I CAN'T BREA

This was unexpected. It seems I passed out for a while during one of my "episodes". Crazy Cas says these episodes are like I have my eyes closed all the time and sometimes I blink and when I can't keep my eyes open anymore I close them again. And that the blinks are the episodes and the closed eyes are _me-now_. Crazy Cas is really smart sometimes. I know I'm not. Smart people don't need three lists with really many pages and a crazy fallen angel to keep them going. I do. I'm a grunt and a jerk and that I don't know what these words mean is proof of me being stupid. Crazy Cas doesn't think so. He says I'm very smart and brave and selfless and that I help people. Maybe he needs a list too, so he doesn't get me confused with whom I was once. But from what I gather from my episodes, I wasn't a smart and brave and selfless person back then, even though I tried to help people. Sometimes I really don't know where Crazy Cas is getting all these ideas about me. Maybe it's the drugs, they mess with his head.

But now I feel like I'm judging former-me and that's not fair because he's not here and I don't really know him all that well anyway and I think I should shut up know because I'm just confusing myself because I kinda am former-me even though I'm not and -

And I'm shutting up. Right. Wanted to write about third list. No rambling. Fuck.

Okay, so, it's really simple, there are not many things one the third list, not even so many that I need a second page for it. It's for the things I remember about myself (only my stuff, Crazy Cas said, not what I remember about people), but I'm not allowed to write them on the first list because they could be wrong or stuff and so I write them on the third list and Crazy Cas decides if they come on the first list. I think I don't remember myself very well: Crazy Cas said "no" to _all_ the things I wrote. He said I still should keep writing, that maybe I would remember right someday. I hope I will. I want to make him happy, he looks really nice then.

So, um, examples. It's kinda pointless, I mean, they are wrong, but I always should tell examples, so. The first thing I wrote was: "I'm weak and I whine". Somebody said that to me, before Detroit, and I think it was someone I really trusted and stuff. But Crazy Cas says it's wrong. Uh, anyway, there is "I think about sex with men sometimes" but Cas said that was really wrong and that I only like women, not men, and that there are men that like men and men that like both, women and men, and women that like women and women that like both and that it was really okay and there was nothing wrong about it (but some people think it's wrong) and I really shouldn't be thinking at all about stuff like that because I don't like men. I still don't get why I don't like men when I keep thinking about them, but Crazy Cas said it's true and he knows better, so I try not to think about them. I can't remember ever HAVING sex with men or flirting with men or anything like that and I asked Cas and he said I had never done it, so, he's probably right. I'm still confused, but I'm always confused, that's nothing new. I should make a third example, that's always good. There is this one thing that I wrote a few days ago. It's not a thing I remember, it's a now-thing, and Cas hasn't seen it yet. He's on a mission to get new drugs for the ill and for him, because he needs them, even though he isn't really ill and I took them away and hid them that one time because I didn't like him taking drugs. He got really sick and then he got mad and screamed that he needs them and then he hit me. He had never hit me before and he cried and it was really scary, so I gave them back, but he was _so, so_ mad for a long time. And I felt really sorry (I'm still feeling sorry now) and I told him that I was "sorry, sorry, sorry, Cas, please, sorry, please" really many times, but he never wanted to hear it and said it was too late to be sorry anyway. I tried to explain that I understood now, he needed drugs because he got sick if he didn't take them, he didn't get sick and needed drugs like other people and it was because he was special. I told him so many times and then he got mad and hit me again. That was about a week ago. He had promised not to, but he still did, and I think that was when I really understood why I was the fearless leader and not Crazy Cas. Because I forgot stuff, but I had lists so I could remember and I could repeat the stuff from the lists until everyone thought I was me again, but Crazy Cas really was _crazy_ and he promised and promised, but in the last week he hit me more often and he cried more often and had more sex and more drugs. And I don't know why, but I don't want to take him to the moonlight-place anymore and that was what I wrote on the third list when he went to get new drugs.

I think I'm finished now. I'm very tired and my hand is shaking and it's the one with the pen and I want to lie down and sleep until I wake again.

Cas never came back from getting more drugs. I think I knew that somehow, inside me, but I'm not really sure. Almost a month has passed since I wrote those last lines. I only had one episode in all this time, even though I used to have one almost twice a week. I think I'm a little better now. I still have to remember, but I don't forget as easily. The lists are gone. My episode-me burned them. He left a note about how Cas was a really shitty best friend and some stuff about good intentions on the road to hell and how alcohol and drugs can ruin even the best man and then he just stopped writing even though the sentence wasn't finished. I don't understand all of it, but he hasn't come back since. I'm very glad. Last night I went to the moonlight-place and thought about everything, how it has been since Detroit and how it's somehow better now.

New people came to the Camp about two weeks ago, a man and two women and a girl. They were all very tired but they were happy too, because they could stop running. I forgot how the women and the girl are named, but I don't want to write it down and sometimes I remember.

I didn't forget the man. He is the exact same high as me and he has very brown eyes that are still nice, despite all the bad things that happened and he always has this little smile on his face, like he knows everything at once and he laughs but never says much. His name is David, but he said I could call him Dave. He is really nice and he has to sleep in a tent because there are no more shacks.

And when I lay under the moonlight, I thought that my shack was really big and I was just one person and there were so many people sharing shacks and tents and how it was really not fair that he had to sleep in that tent with all the women, because almost every one of them can hit really hard. I have personal experience.

So then I thought how I really would like someone to talk to, now that Crazy Cas is gone and how Dave was the person I talked the most to, even though I only knew him for such little time and that maybe he could live in my shack so we could talk together.

Today I went to him and I was really calm on the outside, because there were many people and I was their fearless leader, but I was really bubbly and bright on the inside. And I said there was something really important to talk about, but just with him, and then we went a little away and I asked him if he hit people when he was angry and he said no and we talked a bit more and he told me that he had never fired a weapon and never taken drugs and that he had been an architect before the Croats came and that he liked to build things and that he lost his rainbow bracelet. He was sad about the last part and I didn't really get why he told me, but I said I knew how to build things also and that I could make a new one, if he wanted me too. He smiled and said that he would like that and while I was at it, I could make one for myself, too, and I had always liked rainbows, so I said yes. And then I asked him if he wanted to talk more in my shack and he laughed and said, we haven't even had our first date and I told him I didn't know what that had to do with talking in my shack. He smiled his little smile when I told him that. It made me feel even bubblier.

And now I have to finish writing, because Dave is coming over soon so we can talk and maybe, if he likes it, he can stay here. I hope he does. I'm holding the two rainbow bracelets in my left hand, it's not shaking, and I think I remember now, what they mean. And I also think that I really don't mind and that Crazy Cas didn't know everything about me after all, because he only knew everything about former-me. But I'm not former-me. I'm me.

So screw the son of a bitch.

I don't know where that came from. Usually, I don't curse much.

Anyway, Dave is knocking and my pen is almost empty and I can't think of anything else to write. But I have Dave now. I can talk.

Dave: dark, soft and strong blue D, steady read A, white, translucent V and happy yellow E.

It's a good name to remember.

FIN


End file.
